Love in Ukraine

I'm home after an extremely long day, it is almost midnight, and I just turned on a movie I haven't seen in many years. I've seen it twice, and it was sentimental for me both times. The name of the movie is "For the Love of the Game" starring Kevin Costner. I realize that through everything, I think I love the game of baseball more than anything else in the world. There is something special about the game that just cannot be put into words.

In the last 35 years, the game has changed, and especially in the last 17 years since the second baseball strike. However, watching the movie, I am reminded of walking out onto the manicured grass, the smell of the grass, looking up into the stands, taking batting practice, taking infield practice before the game. Let's go backward from there. Left pant leg first, then right. T-shirt underneath my jersey. Tucking my jersey into my pants. Slipping on those spikes, following your own little superstitions, left sock first, then right. Left shoe first, then right. Finally, tying those laces on my high top spikes, and then leaning over into my baseball bag to pull out my batting gloves, my baseball glove, and my bat. Putting on my cap, and hitting the field. Man, what an amazing experience, I loved every minute of it.

The game itself is even better. From the handing of the lineup card to the umpire before the game, to taking infield, to the fist pitch, even that was insanely enjoyable for me. The game itself is almost anti-climatic. No, it's not. Each and every pitch is a battle between the pitcher and catcher as a team, and the hitter. And, of course, if you are on defense, you have got to pay attention. Positioning is the key. Being alert and expecting the ball to come to you each and every pitch, even though you will be lucky to get more than about 4 balls hit to you over the course of the three hours it usually takes to play this great game.

The past three days, I have been taking care of an American guy who got his ass kicked. And, when I say kicked, he was beaten and left for dead, all because he came to Ukraine, searching for love in Ukraine. The guy is an insanely nice guy, but non-confrontational. There was a girl who was money hungry, but he didn't care since he wanted a nice, young, thin, pretty

Emptying Out Ukrainian Christmas

I have woken up extremely irrtable, and I was extremely irritable last night before I went to bed. The reality is that my life is nothing like I would like it to be, and it is moving in the direction that I want it to go too slowly for my taste.

In early March, I will have been teaching English in Ukraine for 4 years, and on May 4th, I will have been gone from America for 5 full years. If you would have told me that I was going to be away from America for this long without returning, I would have told you that you were on drugs.

However, the reason for me not returning is the thing that bothers me the most. I can fly back to America. A one way ticket is not that expensie, about $1,200. However, what would happend once I arrive back in the United States? I do have a couple of people who would be willing to help me by giving me a place to live and a few bucks until I got a job. However, I would be expected to hit the ground running by finding a job immediately. As a result, I could not be very choosey when it comes to finding a job. I would have to accept one of the first jobs that comes along.

That brings us to the next question. What types of jobs can I do? The reality is that I cannot do that many jobs. I cannot get a teaching job because in America, a person would need a certificate in order to get a teaching job. That certificate takes about one year to earn through classes and tests. Who could take care of me while I get this certificate? No one. I could be a substitute teacher while I earn my certificate, but then, how would I get around? I would need a car. Public transport in the United States is not like it is in Ukraine. There aren't enough public buses to take people to every corner of the city in an expedient manner. As a result, I would need a car. I cannot see myself taking the bus to work every day, and then, taking the bus to courses at night. That is nearly impossible. The reality of a minimum of one year like this would be miserable, especially since substitute teaching would rarely be at the same school two days in a row. So, going back to America without a little money is nearly impossible.

That leaves me here in Ukraine. What is my life like here? Well, actually, I have many things to be grateful for. I have a stable teaching job which pays me enough money to pay my rent and basic monthly expenses. My friend believes I should move into a much cheaper apartment, but that doesn't make sense to me. First off, I need space around me. I lived in a 25 square meter flat in Cheriomoshki for two and a half years and I was miserable. Next, if I do not live in the center, or have a bog, nice flat, I cannot earn as much money because I will spend too much time traveling, cannot have private students over, and cannot entertain. Also, I live only a block from my work, so there is virtually no travel time. That allows me to be more efficient with my work, and taxi money adds up. There were a couple of months I took taxis almost every day while living in Cheriomoshki and that adds up quickly.

Lastly, on this point, my clients are western men. Well, most western men stay in the city center when in Odessa Ukraine. Why would I want to live far away from them, which would make it more difficult to meet them, to go out to restaurants, etc. No, cost of living would not go down if I get a cheaper apartment.

Next, the idea of Ukrainian girls. Is it possible for a girl ten yeas younger than me, pretty, and thin in American to want to date me? Well, anything is posisble, but it is highly unlikely. The girls in America are not open to age difference as much as Ukrainian girls and Odessa girl. Americans girls are not open to dating men that are overweight, and they are not open to dating a guy like me. The situation just doesn't exist to meet them daily like it does here in Ukraine. Ukraine girls are definitely more open to a larger age difference, my weight doesn't matter as much, and the fact that I am not well-off doesn't factor into meeting great Ukrainian girls. There are plenty of money hungry Ukrainian girls, but those girls aren't really in my circle and aren;t really attracted to me.

Now, to the true reason I an an irritable cuss today. I feel like I am in prison. I feel like I have paid my dues. I feel like I have spent tens of thousands of hours studynig success, wealth, leadership, management, coaching, money, and relatinships, and it doesn't make any sense to me to keep me trapped here in this small world teaching English to people who cannot even learn the simplest of tasks from me. Now, if I were studying to be a Buddhist monk, then this environement would be a nice place to practice as living in Ukraine can teach a person a lot of small things, such as detachment, releasing meaning on something stupid, and learning how to be patient with Ukainian people, many of which have a very small way of thinknig and of seeing the world.

I know some Ukrainian people will read this, and not feel too hapy, but the truth hurts smoe times. I know that my own American people have a lot of faults, and my culture doesn't seem to be moving forward any more. I feel like this whole life is a sever waste of my time and talents. I should already have earned enough money to travel and do some of the things I'd like to do, such as pay off my debts, visit family and friends in Amercia, and to visit England for a little while. There are some things I'd like to see and experience in England.

I ahve writeen a book, created a website, and have a large community, and marketing my website has been much more difficult and time consuming than I had previously hoped. My "friend" has given me lots of ideas, and helped me to understand what I need to do to get my website to the top of Google, but I languish on page two like an unimportant fool. This should have been over two months ago. I should be dealing with a whole different level of probles, instead of having to continue comnig to my English school every day. Just selling 100 books per month allows me to not have to teach so much and work so hard as a teacher.

I do not want an easy life. I will not take time off and stop working hard. I just need to feel like my knowledge and effort are going in a positive direction. I do not feel that at all. I feel like i am wasting my talents. 

I have a partner that is not really my partner. He says he is my friend, but he will not help me to get over the hump. I have been toiling for 6 motnhs in something that would have taken him only two to complete.

I don't want to continue as I just don't have anything else to say without ranting further and becoming even more irritated.  

Feeling Blue in Odeessa

I've been working on my book and blog and website, and Google ranking for the better part of 10 months now, and I have been trapped in what I would call "limbo" for the better part of the past two months. I have a wonderfully generous friend who has helped me design my website in order to make it Google friendly, but he won't help me do the last little bit I need to do in order to get my website to the number one position.

I could move back into a cheap apartment in Cheriomoshki or Tairovo and use the extra money I save on SEO, but that doesn't make sense since I can have private clients in my nice flat, and my flat is centrally located, and my clientele of private clients as well as foreigners stay in the center. So, the money I save will not be nearly as much as you think it is because of time, effort, energy, taxi's and restaurants I would spend that saved money on travel expenses or lose it becaue of missed opportunity if I lived in a less expensive flat. 

Also, my mental well-being would be affected as well. I hated living in a shoe box in Cheriomoshki for two and a half years. Cheriomoshki is a neighborhood of Odessa Ukraine. \

I thought this whole ordeal, and every event was me looking for, or helping others look for, find, and keep their own Ukrainian girl, but the reality is that this whole ordeal is about me creating a life I love, and in this moment in time, I do not love my life.

The last two days, my left arm and leg have been numb. This really makes me nervous as I am aware of the myriad of back problems I have. The nerve running down my spine is compressed and if this compression beomces words it is very possible that I could become paralized in the near future. I thought I had a few years before I would have to be leary of paralysis, but the reality is that this end result might come much sooner and I am depressed about all of this. What woman would want to marry me if I become paralized?

I cannot imagine being stuck in Ukraine without money, and not being able to move.

I know that I have so many things to be grateful for, but those things are easily forgotten when I have so many other things weighing on my mind.