Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Emptying Out Ukrainian Christmas

I have woken up extremely irrtable, and I was extremely irritable last night before I went to bed. The reality is that my life is nothing like I would like it to be, and it is moving in the direction that I want it to go too slowly for my taste.

In early March, I will have been teaching English in Ukraine for 4 years, and on May 4th, I will have been gone from America for 5 full years. If you would have told me that I was going to be away from America for this long without returning, I would have told you that you were on drugs.

However, the reason for me not returning is the thing that bothers me the most. I can fly back to America. A one way ticket is not that expensie, about $1,200. However, what would happend once I arrive back in the United States? I do have a couple of people who would be willing to help me by giving me a place to live and a few bucks until I got a job. However, I would be expected to hit the ground running by finding a job immediately. As a result, I could not be very choosey when it comes to finding a job. I would have to accept one of the first jobs that comes along.

That brings us to the next question. What types of jobs can I do? The reality is that I cannot do that many jobs. I cannot get a teaching job because in America, a person would need a certificate in order to get a teaching job. That certificate takes about one year to earn through classes and tests. Who could take care of me while I get this certificate? No one. I could be a substitute teacher while I earn my certificate, but then, how would I get around? I would need a car. Public transport in the United States is not like it is in Ukraine. There aren't enough public buses to take people to every corner of the city in an expedient manner. As a result, I would need a car. I cannot see myself taking the bus to work every day, and then, taking the bus to courses at night. That is nearly impossible. The reality of a minimum of one year like this would be miserable, especially since substitute teaching would rarely be at the same school two days in a row. So, going back to America without a little money is nearly impossible.

That leaves me here in Ukraine. What is my life like here? Well, actually, I have many things to be grateful for. I have a stable teaching job which pays me enough money to pay my rent and basic monthly expenses. My friend believes I should move into a much cheaper apartment, but that doesn't make sense to me. First off, I need space around me. I lived in a 25 square meter flat in Cheriomoshki for two and a half years and I was miserable. Next, if I do not live in the center, or have a bog, nice flat, I cannot earn as much money because I will spend too much time traveling, cannot have private students over, and cannot entertain. Also, I live only a block from my work, so there is virtually no travel time. That allows me to be more efficient with my work, and taxi money adds up. There were a couple of months I took taxis almost every day while living in Cheriomoshki and that adds up quickly.

Lastly, on this point, my clients are western men. Well, most western men stay in the city center when in Odessa Ukraine. Why would I want to live far away from them, which would make it more difficult to meet them, to go out to restaurants, etc. No, cost of living would not go down if I get a cheaper apartment.

Next, the idea of Ukrainian girls. Is it possible for a girl ten yeas younger than me, pretty, and thin in American to want to date me? Well, anything is posisble, but it is highly unlikely. The girls in America are not open to age difference as much as Ukrainian girls and Odessa girl. Americans girls are not open to dating men that are overweight, and they are not open to dating a guy like me. The situation just doesn't exist to meet them daily like it does here in Ukraine. Ukraine girls are definitely more open to a larger age difference, my weight doesn't matter as much, and the fact that I am not well-off doesn't factor into meeting great Ukrainian girls. There are plenty of money hungry Ukrainian girls, but those girls aren't really in my circle and aren;t really attracted to me.

Now, to the true reason I an an irritable cuss today. I feel like I am in prison. I feel like I have paid my dues. I feel like I have spent tens of thousands of hours studynig success, wealth, leadership, management, coaching, money, and relatinships, and it doesn't make any sense to me to keep me trapped here in this small world teaching English to people who cannot even learn the simplest of tasks from me. Now, if I were studying to be a Buddhist monk, then this environement would be a nice place to practice as living in Ukraine can teach a person a lot of small things, such as detachment, releasing meaning on something stupid, and learning how to be patient with Ukainian people, many of which have a very small way of thinknig and of seeing the world.

I know some Ukrainian people will read this, and not feel too hapy, but the truth hurts smoe times. I know that my own American people have a lot of faults, and my culture doesn't seem to be moving forward any more. I feel like this whole life is a sever waste of my time and talents. I should already have earned enough money to travel and do some of the things I'd like to do, such as pay off my debts, visit family and friends in Amercia, and to visit England for a little while. There are some things I'd like to see and experience in England.

I ahve writeen a book, created a website, and have a large community, and marketing my website has been much more difficult and time consuming than I had previously hoped. My "friend" has given me lots of ideas, and helped me to understand what I need to do to get my website to the top of Google, but I languish on page two like an unimportant fool. This should have been over two months ago. I should be dealing with a whole different level of probles, instead of having to continue comnig to my English school every day. Just selling 100 books per month allows me to not have to teach so much and work so hard as a teacher.

I do not want an easy life. I will not take time off and stop working hard. I just need to feel like my knowledge and effort are going in a positive direction. I do not feel that at all. I feel like i am wasting my talents. 

I have a partner that is not really my partner. He says he is my friend, but he will not help me to get over the hump. I have been toiling for 6 motnhs in something that would have taken him only two to complete.

I don't want to continue as I just don't have anything else to say without ranting further and becoming even more irritated.