Thursday, August 2, 2012

Ukrainian Girls' Mothers

Well, the girl I spoke about yesterday left here and proceeded to send me a message that her mother criticized her English. In fact, the translation was telling her daughter that her English was awful.

I just wanted to talk about the behavior aspect of this action - the criticism of her daughter's English.

In case, the mother has never studied English at all. In fact, she has never studied any language, she only speaks Russian and Ukrainian which are both learned naturally by growing up here in Ukraine.

What is the mother trying to accomplish with this statement? Of course, all statements of motivation and thought pattern come solely from the subconscious mind or unconscious awareness. A person who behaves in this way is generally not aware of the level of thought or consideration I am attempting to bring to this specific conversation. My goal is to allow my readers to see a new point of view, and perhaps to even inspire someone to look at conversations that have occurred in their own life from a similar point of view, but with a new perspective.

From a solely behavioral aspect, I contend that the mother's motivation is to de-value her daughter by criticizing her level of English. Why would she want to do that???

Well, as a child, we encounter many situations within which we naturally feel de-valued ourselves. Parents put us down, criticize us, or just don't let us participate in grown-up conversations. Big brothers or sisters, friends, or people at school do the same. hey reject us, tell us we can't play with them, we can't do what they are doing. All of the biggest events occur prior to the age of 7. We carry these feelings of rejection or 'less value' with us subconsciously. Hence, most of us naturally don't feel as valuable as the adults or other kids around us.

When someone disagrees with us, we develop a natural behavior of becoming overly emotional just like  baby who is being denied food or a very young child (less than 3 years old - sometimes older) who is being denied some toy or object. Man of us don't ever develop any other way to communicate when we are angry or upset.

One of the things I've noticed over my three plus years in Odessa is that people here do not hide their emotions at all. In fact, many people raise their voice regularly in an effort to try to communicate. Or, perhaps I should re-phrase that. Many people raise their voice in an effort to try to be heard. When a person doesn't feel heard or doesn't feel listened to, then they inherently attempt to change their communication in order to be heard. Speaking much, much louder and with strong emotion and energy is the most common means due to the fact that this worked for us when we were small children and we wanted something. If we made too much noise, our parents usually gave-in and gave us whatever we wanted in order to shut us up! As a result, we instinctively continue to use this same type of communication in our closest adult relationships in an effort to be heard.

Let me get back to the students. I have been teaching English for more than 4 years now, and have probably taught more than 1700 students, and I can promise you that this girl is one of the best students I have encountered. She works hard, she studies with a seeking mind, searching for ways to improve, to learn, to practice, and to remember. She reads, writes, listens, understands, and speaks quite well (even though she thinks that she cannot speak). She makes small mistakes, but her English is improving so fast that she makes me feel 'not so smart'.

Hes mother ripped her English only to make her own ego feel better. If I put her down, then I can feel better about my own inadequacies for a moment. It is actually basic psychology.

The fact that all people haven't learned this yet just tells you of the level of learning and awareness about behavior that does not exist in this country yet. If you want your relationship with Ukrainian girls to be good and run smoothly, you are probably going to have to learn how to deal with this type of outburst and these types of insulting, critical comments.

My strategy is pretty simple. A girl who deals with her problems by criticizing me, is not really welcome in my life unless she is open to reading, learning, opening her mind to a new point of view and a new way of dealing with her problems instead of just blowing up like an emotional time bomb and trying to de-value me through insults.

If you come across a Ukrainian girl who blows up like this, hopefully you have thought about my words and this aspect of female behavior and are ready with a set strategy. I know that I hate this type of confrontation and feel that it does not solve any problems. I try to make my life about solving problems, not helping them to escalate.

This is an apology to any girl that wants me to yell back at her or blow up at her so that she knows that I care. Sorry because I do not feel that blowing up at you will help matters at all. I prefer to listen to your point of view and then ind a solution. That is all. Perhaps it will be difficult for me to find a Ukrainian girl who is open to my point of view, but I only need one to be successful. My heart tells me that there is at least one Ukrainian girl here that fits me. And, to the mother of this wonderful girl, --- too bad you have no idea just how wonderful your daughter really is. If you opened your eyes, you'd actually realize that she is everything you had ever hoped for and much, much more!!!

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